Labor Day Adventure

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I’ve haven’t quite fulfilled my mission of discussing the heroes journey as it happens — I tend to do it more afterwards.  Well, it’s a new day, so here we go! 

I got an 800cc motorcycle – quite a lot bigger and heavier than my 250.  I was searching for a 650, but just wasn’t finding one, so I went with this one.   It is rather nice, but a little intimidating.

It was just pride that caused me to hurt myself.

After two incidents I was just not feeling the love with this motorcycle.  The first was a fall at a stop — I wasn’t hurt, my wife got the bike back up for me, and back home without more trouble.

The second time, as I was dismounting, it started to fall, and instead of letting it, I held it up, at the expense of hurting my shoulder.  It was just pride that had me do that, as I had practiced picking it up and it is doable.

So, now I am going on a group riding trip over Labor Day weekend — a very easy trip designed for beginners — with some friends.  They’ve been very encouraging and letting me know I don’t have to do things perfectly.  But it is still pretty intimidating.  So this morning, off I go on the bike to practice.  

How Seldom They Do

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It’s been two weeks since my last post already! I had planned to write about some more specific feelings in shutting down my business, but I conveniently got distracted.

So I did get around to talking and thinking more specifically about my feelings regarding updating my social media to not show the business.  I had feelings about people not only noticing, but thinking poorly about me; thinking that it would affect me.

“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”

It was pointed out to me that whether that happened or not, I might not know about it; if I knew that someone noticed, it might not be the response I expected; and no matter what the response was, did it really matter?  I only have to worry about my side of the street, not what others are thinking of me.  It sounds so easy, doesn’t it?

Quote credited to both Eleanor Roosevelt (http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/confidence and Ethel Barrett http://quotationsbook.com/quote/20729/#sthash.oVh0kGgH.dpbs).  Most references are for Eleanor Roosevelt, but I’m not going to try to track down an actual reference work.

Oh, and I think I used “it’s”  incorrectly in 60 miles an hour, part 2, but I’m going to let it stand for now.

60 miles an hour, part 2

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Mama Bear and Baby Bear

Remember back when it was a big deal for me to go 60 miles an hour on my motorcycle for 2 seconds? I sure do.

Well, a few months ago, we headed out to a nearby city with a famous brunch place. It was early in the spring and lots of bikes on the road.

It had a lot of firsts for me — curvy roads faster than I’d done before, with lots of hills, at higher speeds. On the way back, we took the highway and a big curving overpass. It was thrilling, with just enough good anxiety to keep me on my toes.

Ah, the sweet feeling of confidence and success.

I told  you all that to help me work up my courage.

The whole “slaying the dragon” — writing about my challenges while I’m going through them — I haven’t really done that so far. But I’ve got something to talk about now.

I started a venture a few years ago, and it went great for a while.  But I didn’t do very well with the lack of structure in my days.  So eventually I went back to a regular job.  

But I didn’t publicize it … can you say feelings of failure?  I mean my friends know, I’ve talked about it, but I haven’t updated my social media with the new me.  Even though my job suits me much better than being in business for myself, and is much less stressful than doing the business or many jobs I’ve had in the past, it still feels gross and ugly to say it too loud.

I’m working on accepting it’s death, because that is what it has felt like to me, and it is time to give it a decent burial, by not pretending that I’m still doing it.

 

 

Loss

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It’s been four months since I’ve blogged. “Slaying the dragon” (experiencing and writing about my challenges) has not happened the way I’d planned.

The experiencing has happened.  Definitely experiencing lots of stuff.  Not quite up to the “tribulation” level (severe trial or suffering), which I am thankful for.

Medically, the laproscopic procedure wasn’t the best option.  So I went ahead with the surgery.  The idea was that it would take a minimum 3 weeks of recovery time, up to 6 weeks.

I thought the surgery would be the most interesting thing that would happen to me this fall.

That idea seems quaint now.

I was proceeding with my physical recovery, doing pretty good self-care (lots of walking, also lots of resting).  I was back to work very part time (12 hours a week, I think).

Then my sister got the call that our Dad was in ICU several states away. Dad has been in and out of the hospital for 5 years, but the nurse told my Dad’s wife, if it was her, she would call the kids.  So we flew out to see him the next day and visited for two days.

It seemed like he was getting better.  But two weeks later he was in hospice, and the next week he died.  I was planning a trip to go see him in 1-2 days when I got the word.

It was a shock.   I was able to start my grieving.  We had a beautiful memorial service.  It was good.

But then, other things happened.  A friend of my parents who I knew and was a great help to me went into the hospital and died a few days after my father.  A friend’s mother died.  A co-worker’s brother died.  My partner’s massage therapist was in a horrific accident and his father was killed.  Other, smaller, losses occurred.   I started taking yoga.

What?  You started taking yoga?

Yep.  Amid all the grief, and cancelling events that would normally be fun, and sometimes feeling like I am just being surrounded by a cloud of anger and heartache, I decided I needed to do something new and concrete to take care of myself.

Deep breath.  Relax.

Photo By John-Morgan on Flickr  [CC-BY-2.0]

The Hill

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 Your fear is bigger than the hill.

This is what my partner said when we were discussing a route to take.  I wanted to ride to my parent’s house, and there are really only 3 ways to get there – two on very fast streets and one up a narrow, steep windy road.

I realized she was right.  I have practiced all the skills needed — starting from a stop on a hill (there is a left turn to make from the hill), making turns, downshifting as needed, and the biggest one — relaxing on the bike!

There are no hairpin turns or cliffs on this road.  I’ve ridden on the back of a bike several times up this hill, so I know what that feels like.

So the ride is happening in a few hours!  I’m looking forward to it.

Perception

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You know how time can seem to speed by when you’re doing something fun, and drag by slowly otherwise?

I had an intense experience of that this past weekend, and it was all about perception.  From wikipedia,

Perception (from the Latin perceptio, percipio) is the organization, identification, and interpretation of sensory information in order to fabricate a mental representation through the process of transduction, which sensors in the body transform signals from the environment into encoded neural signals.

Hmm.  Too complicated.  How about interpreting the world using our senses?

So, on Saturday we decided to take our bikes to get breakfast at this great place with incredibly good peppered bacon, yard eggs, and fresh-squeezed juice.  It was on roads I wasn’t familiar with, at speeds I had done before… but for much longer stretches.

Lots of curves, fairly gentle but at higher speeds.

I was enjoying the ride, following my partner, although a little anxious (scared).  But finally I was thinking Are we ever going to get there?  This is a nice ride, but I’m a little tired.

We did get there and had a leisurely, tasty (if not very heart-healthy) breakfast.

We headed back, and the ride seemed like it took about a third of the time as on the way up!

Perception is not the passive receipt of these signals, but can be shaped by learning, memory and expectation.

It really didn’t, of course.  I think each ride I take now gives me more experience and more confidence in my abilities.  I talked about it with my partner, and the fact that I knew the route and what to expect also had a big effect.

What kinds of experiences have you had regarding perception?

 

60 miles an hour

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The Manor Grocery

This past weekend, I took my second ride out to the nearby town of Manor. It’s got some nice curves, mostly 30-45 mph roads.

Two weeks ago I hadn’t yet gone 45 miles per hour on the bike; two weeks before that 35 seemed incredibly fast and scary.

35 miles an hour seemed incredibly scary

So on the short portion of the road that had a speed limit of 60, I was able to get up to 60.

For about 2 seconds! But that’s okay, it is progress and I am enjoying myself.

We are now planning a real trip (overnight) to be preceded by some shorter ones. My girlfriend is really supportive and that is wonderful!  Stay tuned, I will try to write about facing that before it happens, instead of after.

Queen of the Beginners

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I arrived home the other day and said

I am the Queen of the Beginner Motorcycle Riders!

and proudly displayed the proof of my trip outside our neighborhood – an  ATM receipt.

I rode there on my motorcycle.

Why the big deal?

I’m not a hero when it comes to trying new things.  I’ve made plenty of decisions in my life based on not wanting to feel the discomfort of not knowing,  and especially having other people see that I don’t know.

It took about 5 years from the time I decided that I “might want to learn to ride a motorcycle”, and a kick in the butt, to actually get to that ride to the ATM machine and back.

To happily declare myself a beginner is exciting and unexpected.

It took being in that space of feeling clumsy and frustrated, sure that I would be going around and around in a 8 block radius near my house  forever.   Of course, this is after the Motorcycle Basic Training course. And lots of little frustrations and small victories.

Tolerating that uncertainty and coming out on the other side is an incredibly good feeling.

Have you had a similar experience?

 

The Power of Myth

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Why don’t you blog about the dragon?

Dragons. Heroes (or heroines). Adventure. Ego.  The Power of Myth has it all.

I was recently watching, for the first time, The Power of Myth, specifically the interview with Bill Moyers and Joseph Campbell about the “Hero of a Thousand Faces”.  At one point they were discussing how in our transformation from child to adult, we each must die to childish ways, and come back as a self-responsible adult.

I’m well past that change.

But I still hold back from the adventure of life in many ways.

I was telling my girlfriend and life partner that I was thinking of doing a blog about aspects of creating and marketing a website.  She said, instead of that, why don’t you blog about all the fears you’ve overcome lately – expose them, instead of trying to look good.

Welcome to that adventure.  Perhaps we’ll both get something out of it.